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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Is It Hot In Here Or Is It Just This Book Blogfest

My blogging friend Shelley Watters is hosting a fantastic blogfest in which the participants post their 140 character or less Twitter pitch on their blog for critique. Once it has been critiqued and polished we are to post it on her contest and the winner is awarded a full manuscript request from super agent Suzie Townsend. Yep, you read that right, a full request! But there's more, Shelley is going to pick additional winners who will receive a query critique from her. So here's my 140 characters or less pitch. Tell me what you think and don't be shy. All help is welcome!

One of the last of the druids during the worst invasion of Ireland must master her power if she is to keep her kind from being wiped out.

Revised version:

During the twelth century invasion of Ireland, Emily, last of the druids, must master her power to keep her kind from being annihilated.

It's vague, I know, but remember it has to be under 140 characters. Not words, characters! That can be really tough. I tried to cover the problem, stakes, and solution as the uber awesome Nathan Bransford says. Hopefully I achieved that at least to a small degree! For those looking forward to my Friday Creature Feature don't worry, it will go up later today.

36 comments:

  1. Yes, it is a bit vague but seeing as you only have 140 characters you do have your hands tied.

    However, something about the beginning rubs me the wrong way. It seems important that there are only a few druids left (in Ireland only?) I kind of wanted to know her name but if it is long, I can see why you opted not to add it.

    What peaked my curiosity was the last part....must master her power if she is to keep her kind from being wiped out :D

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  2. My suggestion would be to switch the wording around a bit so it starts with "During the worst invasion of Ireland, one of the last..."

    Otherwise, good work!

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  3. Ooh, this is definitely intriguing! I love druids! And Ireland! You've wrapped it up nicely - good luck :)

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  4. Saba, I know what you mean, me too. It takes place in Ireland only. I had her name in there but it made it too long. Thanks for your feedback!

    Elizabeth, I love that, thanks so much!

    Caitlin, thank you! :-)

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  5. I love this, Heather! I would totally request :) And I do like Elizabeth's suggestion.

    Good luck!

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  6. Thanks a million Jamie! If only you were an agent! :) Thanks for the vote on Elizabeth's suggestion. I'm definitely going to do that.

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  7. I get what you're going for there and it's good, but I feel like it could be even better. I would recommend using more than one sentence and separating the thoughts out.

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  8. I like it the way it is, great job :-) It's not vague in the context of your character limit and we know who the main character is, what their conflict is, and what the consequences are. Best of luck to you!

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  9. I wonder, could you replace the word 'worst' with the year? I'm yearning to know when this happened. I think the fact that there're only a few remaining druids signals how bad things are, so you don't need 'worst.'
    Definitely intriguing!!

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  10. I agree with Elizabeth's suggestion about rewording and also to take out that second 'of the': During the worst invasion of Ireland, one of the last druids must...

    Love the premise too.

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  11. Welp, Elizabeth beat me to it! :) I vote for the rewording AND I was wondering if you could get rid of "one of the last of the" because it's a little clunky plus you let us know there's danger of her kind dying out so we know there can't be many left. What do you think?

    Good work!

    Also, for anyone who tried to leave me a comment today, the comment problem is fixed and I'd love your thoughts! :)

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  12. Since twitters have to be so short, you might be able to cut the beginning down to just "The last of the Druids must..." and use the characters to tell us more about the story.

    And hello, nice to meet you!

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  13. Libby, thanks. I wish I could but that makes it harder to fit into 140 characters.

    Loralie, thank you! I'm glad it came across clear.

    Linda, great idea! Thank you so much!

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  14. Lori, thank you! Excellent idea!

    Bethany, yes, awesome! Thank you and I'll be sure to drop by your post.

    L., thank you for the idea!

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  15. Hey Heather! I hate going up against you in this contest. You're too good! LOL.

    What about...

    In the worst invasion of its history, one of Ireland's last druids, (name), must master her powers to keep her kind from being wiped out.

    With this wording you have nine spaces for the name. :)

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  16. Nice work! I do agree with the wording switch, so it feels trimmer.

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  17. All I'm left wondering is what her power is? Don't call me weird...I have HEARD of druids before...what is it again? EEK! I agree that you could cut a few words to punch it up a tiny bit..but yes, this is insanely hard LOL

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  18. Tina, that's great thank you! And you're far too sweet!

    Suzi, thank you!

    Bekah, don't feel bad. That's a matter of great debate!

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  19. It sounds like you totally nailed the story. Got character, conflict and quest. Great!

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  20. "One of the last of the" doesn't roll off the toungue too easily. Maybe:

    During the worst invasion of Ireland, a druid must master her power if she is to keep what's left of her kind from being wiped out.

    Sounds like an intriguing premise!

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  21. Scott, thank you!

    Kaleen, you're right! That's what's wrong! Thank you so much! :)

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  22. The sentence is a bit long and somewhat awkward. Maybe you should break it up into two? Also, it might help to use stronger words, like instead of "wiped out," "exterminated." It's got such an interesting premise. I wish this was more than 140 characters!

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  23. JEFritz, I wish it could be more than 140 too! Thanks for the idea on a stronger statement!

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  24. as stated above i might consider rearranging the word order and starting with Ireland section first. my wife and i are ready to read this for sure good job!
    douglas esper

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  25. I like the pitch, and I'd love to read the book. Good luck!

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  26. Douglas, thank you both so much!! :)

    Ruth, thank you! I'm totally flattered!

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  27. Heather ~ sorry it took me so long to get here...I've browsed through the comments & see you're already tweaking - it will SHINE when you're done. Nice job!!!!

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  28. This is a very clear pitch. I like it and would read the book. Great job!

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  29. Oh this sounds so cool!! I wish you could just say "The last druid" instead of "one of the last" just pops more. But if he's not the last, we don't want to lie. LOL

    If you could... "A mighty druid must master her power during the worst invasion of Ireland to keep her kind from being wiped out."

    Not sure? Just playing around with it. I really love all the elements in this. Great job!

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  30. LK, no problem! Thank you, I'm glad you like it!

    Jamie, wow, thank you!

    Erica, great feedback, thanks. I'm glad you like it. :)

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  31. Definitely like the revision! However, it says Emily mas to save her kind. I assume you mean the Irish, but it kind of sounds like it's the Druids, which we're already told she's the last of. Just a small point. It sounds like a great pitch!

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  32. I completely love the revision, Heather, it's perfect. You hooked me and I'm so intrigued I want to read it. Excellent job! :D

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  33. the revision works very well and says exactly what you need without disconnecting the meaning. Good work :)

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  34. Yay! Now I really want to read the story!!! :D Is this pitch for the novel "To Ride a Puca," you have been working on??

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  35. JEFritz, oh yes, thank you for pointing that out!

    Brenda, thank you so much! :)

    fOIS, thank you!

    Saba, it is!

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  36. Sweet! sounds exciting can't wait till its published!! :D

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